True Confessions

Wednesday,
August 03, 2011

2:52 AM

That I’ve avoided.

Oh last year. The
winter of the newly arrived 2011, January.

I entered the
deepest and darkest depression that I have

ever known. I
flirted dangerously with acts of self destruction.

I self medicated
with illegal and illicit substances. I drove myself

into a shell of
isolation and bitter neglect for self perseverance.

I gambled, drank,
smoked. I refused to talk to loved ones.

To visit with
relatives. I gave up. I sought the absence of my conscience.

A girl/woman I
loved. Truly. Whom I was with, together were we

for over 3 years.
Left me, I left her, we said things, we hated, we loathed, we loved, we cried,
we talked, we kissed, we pretended that none of it had ever happened, we were
viscous, sweet just long enough that it would really hurt, and in some ineffable
pit of emotion, we knew both that this was true love, and that we were not
ready, that we were squandering it, that it was wasted, that we were wrecked,
and we tried to get out and back in, and we have the wounds to show for our
months of meandering indecisions and our moments of callous decisiveness.

I had not recovered
from my taught and tearing heart strings. I rejected all attempts to save
myself, I threw myself upon any and all rocks, from every available cliff, at
heights that nearly proved fatal.

I found pure good
happiness, and I savored in its presence, and I squandered to avoid it. I did
nothing right, and steered towards and away from love, I was hurt, I was
reckless, I hurt others.

I failed three
courses, abandoned my studies, to this day, am unsure if my academics are
salvageable. Though I am trying. I am renewed, in that I feel strong like when
I was still in control, I feel real like when my books ran black with ink. I am
making plans, I am setting goals, I am keeping promises. I am healing slowly. I
am staying fit, I want to succeed, I am true to form, avoiding the consumption
of the bitter substances which haunt my desires. The future replaces my longing
for the drugs. I must be consistent. I must maintain the steady course.

I crave sex, and
emotion, but seek it in the light of an honest rightful nature.

Will not throw my
hungry eyes to dark pleasure, though I be young, and wild and crave the astray.
I am the vessel of an old man of gentle wisdom, who is waiting in the years
ahead, who is measuring his blood pressure, who is stretching his arms and
legs, and who holds the small hands of children who share his name, and the
spark of light reflecting in their eyes shines out to me now, and I am eager
for their joy.

I take control of
this only slightly worn automaton. I seize the reigns, and emerge from the bare
fabric of a simple wicked creature, I am conscious, I steer towards safer
harbors. I am responsible. I am not the deposed ruler of Egypt, behind bars and
failing, I take spirit from the Arab spring, those that must now create for
themselves from their wildest imaginations a future worthy of their
opportunity.

Rise and be well. Do
good.

I love you,

 D. Edward P.